Sometimes when we don’t set and stick to proper boundaries, we get stuck carrying a heavy load of what my mom would call the ‘shoulda, coulda, wouldas’. The ‘shoulda coulda wouldas’ live in the scared part of your brain that doesn’t believe in yourself. What ends up happening is that we use these ‘shoulda, coulda, wouldas’ as excuses for why we did not follow our own dreams or do the things we really wanted to do in our lives. With me, for example, I would say things like: “Well maybe I coulda had some kind of singing career if I woulda had the support of my parents.” Or, “I shoulda taken those singing lessons but my partner thought they were a waste of time and money.”
Then you also have the Yeahbuts in your head. The Yeahbuts, like the Shoulda Coulda Wouldas, are sneaky little creatures that creep in and hold you back without you even knowing it. These are the entities that poke up their nasty little heads whenever you are ignoring your own needs and taking care of others’ needs instead. The Yeahbuts are an excuse…a direct result of not being able to say ‘no’. For example, your friend calls you and asks you why you weren’t at the lake this past weekend. She remembered you saying you were looking forward to finally having a weekend getaway. Your answer is “Yeahbut my neighbour really needed help moving so I stayed in town to help her.”
The Yeahbuts are also very good at making you feel guilty whenever you try to do something for yourself. They know exactly what thoughts to put into your head to make you feel selfish; or like your needs and wants aren’t important. ‘Weren’t you going to take that writing course and start getting ready to write your book?’ ‘Yeahbut I really shouldn’t be taking that time away from my kids. It doesn’t make sense for my husband to turn down overtime when he makes so much more money than I do’. Or: ‘Yeahbut it’s probably just a waste of time because I really need to be working full time anyway; I could never take time off to write a book. That was just a silly dream’.
It’s so much easier to blame others for the things that we missed out on in life. But here’s the thing: Ultimately, at some point, we have to take the responsibility for our own lives and our own healing. I cannot continue to blame my upbringing, my childhood and my life experiences for all of the things that have gone wrong in my life. It’s definitely not an easy road, but once you start working on self-acceptance, you realize that you really can accomplish whatever you set your mind to.
Stop letting the Yeahbuts and the Should Coulda Wouldas get in your way! Once you stop living according to others’ judgment and realize that your judgment scale is the only one that matters, you become free to pursue your own goals in whichever way you choose. To do this you first need to learn how to identify and meet your own needs–figure out what those needs are. People like to say that needs and wants are two different things. But I strongly disagree. Sometimes, we want something so much that it becomes a necessity. It is needed in order to truly make your soul happy. So, I challenge you: Think about your ‘Shoulda Coulda Wouldas’ and your Yeahbuts. How can you turn those “should haves” into ‘dones’? – as in, I did it! I’m done! How will your life change if you set these boundaries today? Make a list of your needs and wants. Don’t try to distinguish between the two or use any judgment. What do you WANT to do? What does your soul NEED? And what is stopping you from getting it?