I recently contracted Covid, and while recuperating I had plenty of time to do a lot of thinking. Its funny how the universe tends to bring you what you need when you need it. I had been doing a lot of networking, making a lot of connections, and doing my best to continue on my healing journey but I hadn’t really taken the time to process everything or think about where I was really at with what I have learned about myself.
In my mind I was doing great! I had felt and acknowledged my trauma, both personal and generational. I faced my inner saboteur and noted where she was coming from. I mended my relationship with my inner child. I was golden! And then I was talking to a friend one day about how the weather was getting warmer; and I made some kind of joke about no one wanting to see me in a bathing suit. She just sighed and said, “Sandy why do you always do that?” That conversation stuck with me for a long time. Why do I always do that? Its like self deprecating humour had become a defence mechanism for me. I made a joke about myself before anyone else could use it to hurt me.
I found myself sharing this conversation with a fellow healer a few days later and she came at me with this question: “Do you love yourself?” My immediate response was that I did, of course. Then she asked me what I love about myself. That was easy! I had spent all of this time working on myself, healing my wounds, working on my self confidence. I had summoned the courage to do what I really wanted to do, not what others wanted me to do. I have opened my own business and am doing something that I love to do. I’m proud and of the gift that I have to support others in their healing. I have a beautiful family. I am finally being my authentic self. I know that I’m pretty and kind and funny and people like being around me.
Then she asked me a really hard question: “Do you love your body?” That one caught me totally off guard. I have struggled with body acceptance all of my life. Even when I was younger, I was always very athletic, but I was also big-boned so I felt like I was in constant competition with my more petite friends. Now I know that when you have a larger bone structure and a large chest you should wear things that are more tailored, but back then all I knew was that everything I wore looked like a tent and made me look huge (in my eyes anyway). Over the years my weight had gone up and down as I went through life events like having children, sickness etc. Even when I was ‘skinny’ I didn’t see it. And then in the past few years I’ve just gotten heavier and heavier. Like almost everyone else I put on weight during Covid. Then after that I allowed a narcissistic relationship to pretty much knock me out. (The fact that I was cheated on didn’t help with the body image). And, if I was being honest with myself I pretty much hated leaving the house because I was ashamed of my body. So, my response was: “No, I don’t.” She just smiled and said there was something she wanted me to think about: “Can you truly love yourself without loving your physical body?” At the time I was convinced I could; because I know I am beautiful inside and I’m proud of who I am and that’s what matters.
And then there I was, about a week later, laying in bed feeling like I’d been hit by a truck. For some reason I went back to the question: “Can you truly love yourself without loving your physical body?” I started to think of it in terms of photos of myself. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have never liked having my picture taken. I can truly say that of all the pictures that have been taken of me over the years, there are probably about half a dozen in which I actually like the way I look. So, I started to ask myself if there was any connection to how I was feeling about myself at the time, both mentally and physically. The funny thing was that in some of those photos I was heavier than others, in some of them I was younger, and in some of them I was older. The common denominator was that I was feeling good inside as well as outside. Uncovering this made me very sad when I realized how few of these photos there were.
The next thing I dove in to were the photos of myself that I absolutely hated; and there were a lot of those. The one I remember most distinctly was taken at a family wedding. I was a bit heavier than I would have liked and I wasn’t extremely happy with my body shape; but I spent hours and hours shopping for and trying on dresses. I finally found one that I felt great in! I bought shoes and a handbag and jewellery to coordinate. I spent a lot of time on my hair and makeup. I listened to so many people tell me how good I looked. And then something happened at the wedding that had nothing to do with my appearance but made me feel very unappreciated and taken for granted. It tore at my self-confidence and made me question myself. When I saw the pictures the next day I hated them. All I could see was how fat and old I looked. I couldn’t stand the fact that other people would be seeing me like that. And I had never made the connection between how I felt about myself internally and how I felt about my physical appearance until that moment.
So, I think that if anyone was to ask again: “Can you truly love yourself without loving your physical body?”, I would answer differently. I think that body acceptance and self-love are two different things; but they are directly related and directly affect one another. The way you feel about your physical body has an impact on your self-esteem and self-confidence; and its hard to feel true self-love when those aspects of yourself are damaged. This is very interesting to me, because with all of the healing I have done, I feel like the final hurdle I have to jump is directly related to my belief in myself…which is, in essence, my self-esteem (or lack thereof). For many years I’ve been feeling like I’ve been taking one step forward, then two steps back. I’ve never been able to pull myself completely ‘out of the rut’; I keep slipping back in. I’m thinking now that this might be because I have never learned to accept and love my physical body for what it is; and that, in turn, affects every other aspect of how I feel about my whole self. Its like the difference between loving yourself and loving yourself unconditionally.
In that moment, laying there with my Kleenex and Vick’s VapoRub, I still felt like I had been hit by a truck, but this time in a different way. It was time to turn my focus to loving my whole self, physical body included. I think that this is going to be my hardest battle; but I also think it will be the final battle to inner peace. Does this mean that I am going to be ok with being overweight or unhealthy? No. But it does mean that I will learn to be more accepting of the part of me that makes mistakes; or eats that piece of chocolate. It means that I will not beat myself up if I miss a day of working out because I got too busy. It also means that as I start loving myself unconditionally, I will start taking better care of my physical body; and I won’t keep slipping back into the rut.
This is a journey I am really looking forward to taking; and I look forward to sharing it with you. I will do my best to keep you all posted on how its going. I know that Breathwork will be a huge part of it; but the little things make a big difference too. For right now though, I have a challenge for you all. For the next week, every time you see your reflection, whether its in a mirror or a window or a puddle, I want you to take a good look, smile at yourself and say, “I love you.” You will see a difference….I promise you.
Much love,
Sandy