I think I have mentioned in a previous entry that I am determined to make 2024 my year. I am stepping in to new era of self love. I have been pretty dedicated to making changes in my life so that I can take better care of my mental, physical and spiritual health. Part of this ‘new me’ is the attitude that I am going to jump in to new challenges head first. I want to actually do the things that I’ve always wanted to do; and get back to things that make me happy that I have left in the past, for one reason or another.
In late February, I saw an advertisement for a dance class. Nothing too crazy right? Only it was a high-heels, booty shaking, burlesque style dance class called Vixens. I was intrigued because it seemed to be just the thing I was looking for. Reading the advertisement inspired me. The purpose of this class was to help women build confidence and self esteem, feel comfortable with their bodies, support each other as women and build each other up. What I really liked was that it stated that all ages and body types were welcome to a Vixens Open House session to check it out. I decided that I was going to go…no time like the present to start working towards the goals that I had set for myself.
On the day of the Open House I was back and forth with myself all morning. I’m not going….yes you are. In the past I would have just given up and stayed home, but I promised myself that I was going to make some changes; and after all, it was just an Open House right? When I got there, I was relieved to see that there were definitely all ages and body types; and that I was not the oldest, or the biggest woman there. The instructor talked a bit about her reasons for creating the program and what she hoped it would bring forward for all of us. She let us know that the program would be 16 weeks long, culminating in a live performance. We spent the rest of the hour learning a short dance routine. I enjoyed it so much and I was surprised at how well I did after not doing anything like that for so long. I was a bit apprehensive when we were asked to form small groups and perform out little routine for the whole room; but the energy was so amazing and supportive that I managed to get through. I signed up for the program the same day, telling myself that I would just take the class and not do the performance.
I was so excited and nervous on the day of my first class. We were told that so many women had signed up that they had to split us in to three different classes. So many thoughts were running through my head: Would I be able to keep up with the younger women? Would others be looking at me, wondering why I was there? I hoped to see one of the other ‘mature’ women was in my class as well. And then when I walked into the studio I looked around and realized that I was, by far, the oldest woman in the room. I almost turned and walked right back out; but I had promised myself I would do this. I remember when the instructor told us that we would be twerking as part of our routine, and I felt sick. Jiggle my ass? My ass is probably the only thing on this body that doesn’t jiggle! But I did stay; still telling myself that I could just take the class and not perform; and that nobody had to even know about it. It was the best choice I could have made.
From day one I was captivated. The group I was in meshed together so well, even with the (in some cases) 25-year age difference. I have never been a part of a group of women who were so supportive of each other, who boosted each other’s confidence and encouraged each other to fall in love with their own bodies. I found something in that studio that I had been missing for a very long time; a part of me that I had forgotten about. The part of me that knew I was beautiful and sexy and proud to show that, even at 55, I could still turn it on. Don’t get me wrong, there were days when that inner ‘mean girl’ of mine still showed up to tell me that I was making a fool of myself. I saw the costume suggestions and some of the outfits that the other women were wearing, and I thought, ‘there’s no way I can pull that off’. (My costume changed about 6 times from day one to the day of the performance.) My plan to not tell anyone went out the window when we were asked to sell 10 tickets each. Again, I felt sick; but I realized this was the universe forcing me to get over it and show off my fine ass self! As the weeks went on and I spent more time with these amazing women, I found it easier and easier to shut that inner mean bitch up.
The week leading up to the performance was fantastic! The 3 different classes had to get together for rehearsal, and it was the first time we were seeing each other perform. I’m not sure how old the youngest participant was, but I discovered that the most mature woman in the program was 65! So beautiful and inspiring! The energy of 30 women cheering each other on, celebrating each other’s bodies, was amazing! And on the night of the performance the venue was full to capacity. The show started late because there was a lineup out the door! The energy in that space was like nothing I had ever felt before. The audience was so encouraging, and the room vibrated with the cheers and applause and whistling. And I was proud….so proud to be up there on that stage. I was proud of myself; and I was proud of every other woman who got up on that stage and put herself out there. It’s not easy to let yourself be vulnerable. I won’t even say it takes balls to do it; because it takes much more than that. I didn’t even care who was watching; all I cared about was being me and enjoying my time with these women (Gillian, Yvonne, Laura, Vanessa, Chelsea, Amanda, Maddie, Kara) who have now become such a very special part of my life. I’m so glad to have met you all.
I can’t tell this story without mentioning the woman behind this amazing program, Jessi McCulloch of Renegade Performing Arts in Thunder Bay. Jessi, you are an inspiration. You talked about your reasons for starting Vixens Heels Dance Performance Program at the open house. Anybody can talk, but you actually meant every word that you said. Your encouragement and support, your belief in what you are doing and, in your students, has more of an impact on women like me than I think you will ever know. This program, I am sure, has done so much for so many women. I am so honoured to have met you as I am on this journey to not only self love but encouraging other women to love themselves. Believe it or not, I miss hearing, “motherf**cker”, “Do it again”, and “Shake that ass!”
To my readers, I hope I leave you with just one thought. No matter how old you are, no matter where you are at in your life, no matter what anybody else thinks or says, just know that you can do it! Don’t let anything stop you, especially that inner bully who tells you a bunch of bullshit to keep you from doing it. Just thinking back and writing about this now almost brings me to tears because I realize how much I would have missed if I had walked out the door on that very first day. One small step can lead to huge changes. This experience has changed me physically, mentally and spiritually. I have already registered for musical theatre classes in the fall. As for Vixens, that starts up again in September; and I’m already signed up!
Much love,
Sandy